Celebrity Teen Idols

Better watch your back, Kim Jong Il. Angelina Jolie will totally kick your ass. Oh, and your huge '80s sunglasses look effing ridiculous, BTW. Just saying.

Jolie was in Seoul, South Korea, today to promote her latest action thriller, Salt, which opens with a scene that takes place in a North Korean prison.

That's not her only connection with the Korean Peninsula, of course. The actress and humanitarian is deeply worried about the people of North Korea.

The persecution defectors face when repatriated to the rogue state appalled Jolie, a goodwill ambassador for the U.N. High Commissioner for Refugees.

Seoul-based officials from the U.N. refugee agency brought the star up to date on the current state of affairs there, and she was naturally appalled.

GOODWILL AMBASSADOR: Angelina Jolie is Salt. And awesome.

“They spoke a lot about the concerns about people being persecuted when they are sent back,” she said. “I’m very concerned about the people.”

Tens of thousands of people from impoverished North Korea have migrated to neighboring China in recent years, activists say, but it's very risky.

Many are sent back due to an agreement between North Korea and China. Some 19,000 have made it to South Korea, where they are protected.

“I learned today about them gaining citizenship and crossing into South Korea,” Angelina Jolie, who was also promoting her movie, told reporters.

“The UNHCR practices quiet diplomacy in which they do more than they talk about.”

As always, kudos to Angelina for using her high-profile status to bring attention to issues and people who truly need it. She sets a great example.

As much as it pains us, we must give Kendall Jenner some credit.

The 14-year old half-sister of Khloe, Kourtney and Kim Kardashian responded this week to the controversy surrounding her recent photo shoot. Instead of getting on some high horse and telling the world to focus on more important issues (we're looking at you, Miley Cyrus), Kendall came across as mature and understanding of the situation.

"I am excited to be working as a model, doing what I love to do," she told People. "My entire family was very supportive, though my dad was a bit concerned at first, he knows that I am responsible enough that I wouldn’t do anything I wasn’t ready to do, or didn’t want to do.”

Kendall continued:

“Going into this shoot, it was never my intention to be provocative or too racy. It was a beach shoot, and I was wearing beachwear. I am happy with my age, and am not trying to rush into anything too soon. I look forward to all the milestones my teens have to offer - Sweet 16, turning 18, and so on.”

We still believe Jenner should wait a few years before donning so few items of clothing in a nationally-published shoot.

But at least she recognizes the reasons behind the scandal and acknowledges that she's barely even a teenager. Gotta give her - or the publicist behind this statement, really - props for handling the situation in such a straightforward manner.

The late Brittany Murphy's husband, Simon Monjack, was shrouded in mystery and suspicion from the moment they wed in 2007 until his own death this year.

Now new allegations are flying about her controversial spouse, whose business manager, Jeffrey Morgenroth, says he liquidated a majority of her accounts.

"There were huge amounts in pension and bank accounts, and all of that's gone," he says. "There was money being withdrawn by Simon, hundreds of thousands."

Six months after the 32-year-old star's death in December from pneumonia, anemia and drug intoxication, Monjack had withdrawn 80 percent of her wealth.

His own death from anemia and pneumonia in May ended this sad saga on a tragic note, likely relegating any ulterior motives he had to speculation alone.

Where is the money? What was he doing with it? One person it matters deeply to is Brittany's mom Sharon, 57, who faces financial uncertainty as a result.

Troubled follows Simon Monjack, even in death.

After Monjack died, Jeannette Bycott, an assistant to Morgenroth, says Monjack's mom Linda ordered Sharon Murphy to leave the couple's Hollywood Hills house.

Both Murphys and Monjack lived in the house, and Brittany's mother spoke fondly of Simon, at least in public, in the wake of Brittany's tragic passing.

"Linda basically started acting like everything belongs to her," says Bycott. "Before Sharon could say anything, Linda stated the house was now hers."

Linda Monjack, also grieving the loss of her child, denies any wrongdoing by Simon. "If there is money missing I have no idea where it is," she said.

"He didn't get much, maybe a few hundred dollars, and he paid off debts with it. He spent most of his time crying his eyes out most of the time."

"He was in a terrible state."

The Bachelorette season finale is just days away, and viewers are going nuts trying to figure out if Ali Fedotowsky picks Chris Lambton or Roberto Martinez.

Or, if you're the type to believe The Bachelorette spoilers we've teased for weeks, she rejects both, and is single to this day. What does she have to say?

“I was trying to be smart and fall in love with my heart, but use my head too,” she told People in its new cover story of starring on The Bachelorette.

“Sometimes the right thing is the hardest thing to do, and it’s definitely hard to hurt somebody. No matter what happens in the end, I hurt somebody.”

Hmm. There's that, and there's Us Weekly, which is really going out of its way to convince us she's engaged, despite offering absolutely no evidence.

Which is it - and if she is engaged, to whom? Is it true what other sources say, that Roberto proposes? If he does, are they still together now?

DIFFERENT STORIES: Ali's engaged? Some beg to differ.

It's worth noting that mere days before the final rose ceremony, no clips of her standing with either guy, or of the guy(s) walking toward her has been shown.

Was there no final rose ceremony? Was it filmed in secret to prevent the outcome from being leaked? Is ABC just bad at promoting its cash cow reality show?

Whatever the case, it's definitely odd, since Chris Lambton and Roberto Martinez are both so popular. Even fans who prefer one or the other really like both.

Host-pimp Chris Harrison says the finale is "surprising" and "unlike anything in the history of the show." "It's true from the last chance dates," he told E!

"And from those on into 'proposal day,' at the end. Everything is different than what our fans have seen in years past. People will be surprised. Whether it's good or not, Ali's happy with it and she's sticking by it. It'll be interesting."

Hmm. After seeing her recently, Chris adds:

"She looked healthier, she looked happy. She had a smile on her face and a bounce in her step again. The season took a lot out of her. It was a rough road, but she's good. She's very happy and content with what she did."

What the heck did she do - and who should she pick? Leave a comment with theories, and vote in our ongoing Chris vs. Roberto poll below ...

Will Jessica Simpson replace Simon Cowell on American Idol?

It's possible, according to Life & Style!

So is Mel Gibson winning Humanitarian of the Year honors, but hey. Anything's possible! Why not run with it for some quick hits if you're a third-rate magazine?

According to the celebrity gossip rag, Jessica is in negotiations to become the newest judge on American Idol! Sources say that she has already met with the producers and everyone really "likes" her. Now, it's just a matter of fitting her in.

Riiiiight.

BAG IT: Whatever "source" planted this story must be closely tied to Jessica, whose career loses relevancy by the month. [Photo: PacificCoastNewsOnline.com]

Had this news surfaced a year ago, with Jessica's name thrown around as a possible replacement Paula Abdul, that would at least make some sense.

They have similar a "temperament," you could say.

Jessica replacing Simon Cowell, though? We don't see it happening, although maybe we're wrong. Compare her to some of the other rumored replacements whose names have surfaced in recent weeks and vote in our survey below ...

Earlier this week, Kourtney Kardashian told People magazine that Scott Disick is a great father and "obviously not a monster."

But the latest In Touch Weekly cover story aims to disagree with this statement and shed light on just how shady little Mason Dash's daddy really is - and this goes far beyond a supposed penchant for sangria.

With Kourtney and Scott having moved to The Hamptons, a source says Kourtney (and reality show viewers, naturally) may soon see what kind of a monster this man truly can be.

Asked about Disick's past in the area, especially the New York pals with which he associated, an insider revealed:

“He was worse than anyone knows. Scott and all his close friends were in this fake ‘gang’ called the Scummers. They would do all these really awful things together.

"When he was hooking up with a girl in bed, his friends would be in the closet, videotaping what was going on. Sometimes, his friends would jump out of the closet. He’d try to let them join in.”

In other words: Scott Disick is a second coming of Ray J? Haven't the Kardashians made it clear they welcome this kind of behavior? They do have their entire empire to thank for it, after all.

Declaring "I quit" and running away from the set, Rachel Uchitel apparently couldn't handle the intense pressure of Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew.

Instead, Tiger Woods' mistress checked into a swanky hotel.

"After a very intense day of filming, Rachel couldn't handle being at the Pasadena Recovery Center" and left, according to a Radar Online source.

Rache fled for Beverly Hills' L'Ermitage Hotel after an intense day with Dr. Drew, during which she "had trouble coping with the issues" discussed.

We reported in recent weeks that Uchitel is being treated for "emotional issues" (i.e. banging married celebrities) as well as an addiction to pills.

She was discussing her issues with self-esteem and self-worth, along with her addiction to Ambien when absolutely lost it and bolted the set.

Rachel Uchitel flaked on Celebrity Rehab 4 ... but will she be back?

Producers located Uchitel the next morning. "Producers arrived at the hotel the following morning, and calm prevailed," says an inside source.

"Rachel simply needed some time away from the intense pressure and scrutiny she is dealing with. She agreed to go back to Celebrity Rehab."

"Rachel has never had to face these kind of issues like this before, and talking about it pushed her over the edge, and her instinct was to run."

Well, sure. Of course, Rachel isn't legally allowed to talk about her affair with Tiger Woods, but the world's #1 golfer looms large in her life.

“Her issues go beyond Tiger, but he was the catalyst that pushed her over the edge," a close source said of the 35-year-old "VIP hostess."

No word if she'll talk about David Boreanaz.

Just when you think there can't possibly be any more Mel Gibson rants, he apparently left a bunch of voicemails for Oksana Grigorieva as well.

The contents are pretty much consistent with his previous tirades, which were all conversations with his ex-girlfriend that she secretly recorded.

These ones? All Mel.

The phone calls were made, along with the previously-released tapes, on February 18, when their relationship ended, spilling over into the next day.

The couple shares an eight-month-old daughter, Lucia, and are currently at war over custody of the little girl - and over whether he abused Oksana.

Mel Gibson is still under investigation for assaulting Oksana Grigorieva and Lucia on January 6. Police are also investigating Oksana for extorting Mel.

We'll get to the audio shortly, but here are some excerpts:

February 18, 10:27 p.m.: "Arghhh. Arghhhhhh. Arghhhhh. Argh. Argh. I called."

February 19, 12:04 a.m.: "If you want to call me back, I think we should discuss the terms of separation, don’t you? Don’t you think? Yes? Yes, let’s do it. I won’t smoke either, just to f*%k with you. I want to really badly."

February 19, 2.29 a.m.: "Whore. Answer the f*%king phone. F*%king bitch."

February 19, 2:31 a.m. (in reference to a ceremony in which Lucia's placenta was buried in the ground with a tree): "You were a sour faced bitch today. Do you think it was tricky to get that f*%king tree in the hole, the placenta and organize that $h!t?"

"Do you know how much f*%king time and money went into that? Did you thank me? Did you even have a f*%king smile on your face? F*%k no ... Everything about you stinks and I am seeing it real, loud and clear. F*%k yeah. F*%k yeah!"

February 19, 3:06 a.m.: "You are f*%king disloyal and f*%king weak. You’re f*%king blind. F*%king thankless. Such a f*%king slut. F*%k you. F*%k you. Don’t ever sleep again. Don’t sleep as long as I don’t sleep. Don’t sleep. F*%king get sick."

"You f*%king ordinary c**t. You are just f*%king ordinary. That goes for the talent too - it’s ordinary. It’s pretty f*%king common. I’d like to see you play a concert sometime. You make mistakes all over with live performances. You can’t do it."

That's cleaned up, too. Follow the jump to listen to Mel Gibson's voicemails, which are extremely vulgar even by his lofty standards ...

Oh. Dear. Wow. Well, whose side are you on?

With an early release from jail now looming this week, troubled star Lindsay Lohan is now worried about what comes next: her mandatory 90 days in rehab.

Unlike her 90-day jail sentence, which is likely to be cut short due to good behavior, overcrowding and the media circus she causes, rehab is non-negotiable.

And Lindsay's not happy about it.

"She’s a little upset right now," her attorney Shawn Chapman Holley said after visiting the actress Tuesday. "She'd like to spend some time with her family."

If this were anyone but Lindsay Lohan, that might be reasonable. But not only does she need rehab STAT, her family members are enablers and criminals.

We're talking to you, Michael Lohan.

Is Lindsay trying to weasel out of rehab?

Holley acknowledged "there’s at least some question as to whether or not she’ll have to go directly to rehab," but it doesn't sound like she has a choice.

Prosecutors confirmed Tuesday that Lohan must report to an L.A.-based residential rehab facility 24 hours after her release from jail - likely August 1-2.

The attorney is concerned "there's a push now for her to go directly to rehab from jail," and wants her client to spend some time with her family first.

"I think it would only be fair for her to spend some time with her family and that’s what she would like for me to emphasize to judge," says Holley.

Lindsay Lohan has been jailed (and strip-searched) in Lynwood, Calif., since July 20 for violating probation stemming from her 2007 DUI conviction.

Should she be allowed leeway with rehab? Her time behind bars is already being dramatically reduced. Should she even be let out of jail so soon?

While the supposed baby news of Miranda Kerr and Orlando Bloom has not actually been addressed by the couple, there's no doubt about this one:

Melissa Rycroft is pregnant!

"It was a shock. We weren't even trying," the former Bachelor winner, who married insurance agent Tye Strickland in December, tells Us Weekly.

"It's the most wonderful surprise in the world. It's such a blessing."

Blessed she may be, but the co-host of ABC's Bachelor Pad says starting a family was the last thing on her mind. Someone forgot to tell Tye that.

Tye and Melissa Rycroft Strickland are starting a family!

"He wanted to have kids right away, and I was laughing at him going, 'No, not ready!'" Melissa Rycroft said. "He's actually cried more than I have."

Rycroft says that her solid relationship with her man has helped her stay calm: "Tye is caring, he's funny. He's going to be a great dad."

Interestingly, she says she's hoping for a boy, while Tye wants a girl. Either way, "We're going to find out as soon as we can," she says.

Melissa, who received the final rose from Jason Mesnick during the 2009 season of The Bachelor, only to have him break up with her for Molly Malaney (who he later married), is "eating everything in sight" and may "gain 90 pounds."

She'd still look great. Congratulations, Melissa and Tye!

One of the celebrity world's most beautiful couples, Miranda Kerr and Orlando Bloom, just got married in secret following years of engagement rumors.

Might there be another bombshell piece of news set to drop?

Not only did they pull off a totally under-the-radar wedding, but an Us Weekly source says there's another big story they've been keeping under wraps:

Miranda Kerr is pregnant!

"She's definitely pregnant. Miranda's thrilled," says a source close to the supermodel and Australia native, who wed the English actor earlier this month.

"She's telling all her friends, mostly other models, about it."

KERR-BLOOM! Will it be two bombshell stories in a row for the notoriously private couple? If Miranda Kerr is really pregnant already, that would certainly qualify.

While a pal says no official announcement will be made, Orlando Bloom and Miranda Kerr will have a hard time keeping this hidden for obvious reasons.

"She poses in lingerie," says the friend. "It will be obvious soon enough."

The beautiful BRIDE, who kicked off a Caribbean getaway with Bloom at Anguilla's Viceroy resort on July 17, certainly hasn't hidden her desire for a child.

"I've been open about wanting to be a mother one day," she told an Australian newspaper. "And I've always thought Orlando would be a great dad!"

Congratulations if that day is on its way!

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For reasons that defy comprehension, Kim Kardashian is considered a fashion icon.

We could spend days questioning this classification - but, instead, we'll simply accept it and pass along a number of company shills tips Kim recently offered in the pages of InStyle. Follow along if you wish to look your best...

Find a Great Tailor
"Anything you wear should be proportioned to your body, and a good tailor will make sure everything fits perfectly. I either have my tailor at every fitting or I have my stylist pin my wardrobe and take it to the tailor before I wear anything. Shortening a hem line on a dress can make a huge difference!"

Accentuate the Waist
"Show off that tiny waist! Adding a belt makes your outfit look more polished. I have great belts from Phillip Lim and Alaia. Vintage belts are one of a kind and can be affordable too."

Avoid Baggy Clothing
"I know they are comfortable and they look amazing on Nicole Richie but flowy tops and dresses are not flattering on a curvy figure. They can make you look pregnant and they look sloppy in photos. Try wearing a maxidress instead. A.L.C, Torn by Ronny Kobo and T Bags make some great ones."

Embrace Shapewear
"Every woman from a size 0-14 should own Spanx! I love Shapewear by Body Wrap; they have a firm control long leg panty that makes my body look smoother and slimmer under fitted dresses without leaving any lines."

Love Those Curves!
"Being confident and owning your body is sexy. I love to show off my curves and designers like Thatcher, Antonio Berardi, Preen, Altuzarra, Markus Lupfer and Brian Lichtenberg make amazing dresses that fit my body perfectly."

Justin Bieber is many things:

A singer, a heartthrob, a CSI guest star.

But we never would have pegged the artist for a big tease.

In this hilarious, frightening video, Bieber hops aboard a Segway and scoots around fans in Glendale, Arizona. They go as bat $hit crazy for Justin as you might expect, as we fear for the adorable singer's life. Ride faster, J Biebs!

A new photo has surfaced that Oksana Grigorieva says provides strong evidence of Mel Gibson punching her during an explosive January 6 argument.

Oksana has deep bruises around her left eye after she claims Mel punched her in the head twice, damaging her teeth. You can see the photo here.

Police are investigating Gibson for domestic violence. Oksana Grigorieva has accused him of punching her twice as they argued at his home that day.

The actor's ex-girlfriend has told authorities she was holding her baby Lucia when Mel struck her in the mouth and the head, near the left temple.

Photographs published by Radar Online purportedly show a bruised Oksana the morning after the confrontation. The images are pretty gruesome.

The Mel-Oksana saga gets uglier by the day.

Earlier this month, a photo of Oksana was published showing damage to her teeth. Her dentist says this was likely caused by a blow to the head.

Mel denies hitting Oksana and his lawyers have told police that she tried to extort him. A separate investigation into that matter is also underway.

So far, Mel has not been stripped of visitation rights or charged with any crime. His estranged wife Robyn says he was never abusive in 28 years.

But is the evidence piling up against the star?

Coupled with text messages and one vile Mel Gibson rant after another, is he running out of legal wiggle room? Do the photos prove anything?

That's what the police are trying to determine.

Ke$ha is inspired by transvestites.

In a new interview with Paper Magazine, she says:

"Trannies make me want to be a better woman. I see these men who have way better bodies than I do, more beautiful faces, better complexions, beautiful makeup, and they're more fun than any person I've met in my life. They make me feel like I'm not a very good woman."

That's an unusual point of view from an unusual artist.

Let's take a look at what else Ke$ha had to say to that publication:

On trying country music: I love Dolly Parton and Johnny Cash. I think at some point there might be some country collaborations or records in the future. But I'm also really digging being called, like half jokingly, a white girl rapper. I think it's really funny and I'm going to ride that train for a little bit.

On one of her favorite things: I wouldn't say I'm aggressive, but I'm a pervert. I have a gold Trans Am and my favorite thing to do in the world is to drive around blasting Zeppelin or Sabbath, cat calling dudes. It doesn't work, but it's fun.

On her favorite drinks: I like whiskey and I like red wine -  those are my two favorites. I love to lie around my house listening to vinyl records and drinking red wine. It's amazing.

Lindsay Lohan is certainly no stranger to being on the receiving end of a body cavity search. But a recent one may have violated more than her morals.

If the actress was subjected to a strip search at Lynwood Correctional Facility, lawyers want her to spill every detail of that experience in a deposition.

Lindsay's name is included in class action lawsuit that alleges unlawful strip and body cavity searches were conducted by L.A. County Sheriff's deputies.

The lawsuit has been filed on behalf of an inmate (not Lindsay Lohan) who recently checked into the jail. But she may be deposed as part of the case.

PROBED: Peeps want to know if Lindsay was, illegally.

Attorneys for the plaintiffs filed a request in Federal Court on Monday to take a deposition from the train wreck while she's behind bars at Lynwood.

Is there a chance one of the plaintiffs in question could be E! reality star Alexis Neiers, who was recently freed from the same facility as Lindsay?

Neiers was strip searched upon entering the jail.

The suit claims that female inmates at the facility are strip searched in plain view of each other in a parking lot that is neither private nor sanitary.

Sheriff's officials have said Lindsay was treated just like any other inmate. Does that mean she was subjected to an unlawful body cavity search?

We'll have to wait and see if she talks, and what Lohan says if and when that happens. But the star is likely to be released from jail by August 1.

Cheryl Cole is feeling much better.

The gorgeous singer, who came down with malaria a few weeks ago, will return to her seat on The X-Factor judging table this week.

"Cheryl loves the show and is desperate to get back to work," says a friend. "She's under doctors' orders to that it easy. But it's a big step that she's back on board."

Following a trip to Tanzania with boyfriend Derek Hough last month, Cole spent a week in intensive care due to this disease. But she'll return for the British version of American Idol in time for the elimination stage.

Said the insider: "She has put all her energy into getting better and it's paid off. Simon has told her he can't wait to have her back."

There was no hair-pulling or police called to the scene this week on The Real Housewives of New Jersey.

So, what did go down? That's a question for our Real Housewives correspondent. She dishes on last night's episode below...

Tonight’s episode began with a sweet and wholesome family night at the Giudices’ Macaroni Mansion.  The girls are playing Monopoly with Teresa and Shirtless Joe.  The irony of any member of the Giudice family playing a game that involves managing money does not go unnoticed.  Evidently the Lord and Lady of the manor will soon celebrate their 10th anniversary. 

We realize it’s taken this unfortunate pair just ten short years to blow through millions and millions of dollars... dollars they didn’t have in the first place.

Across town at Danielle’s crumbling lair she is hatching a plan…it is a plan to gain total world dominance using her radioactive breast implants.  No, actually it’s a plan to celebrate her daughter Christine’s Sweet 16 without actually using any of her own money.  “Amazingly I’ve never had a birthday party thrown for me until I turned 47 years old,” she tells us.  Perhaps this is because no one likes you and you have no friends?

Christine wants to donate any money she “earns” at the party to charity.  Danielle is smugly proud of this fact as if she herself is donating money to charity.  “My children are living by my example,” she proudly states.  What example is that, exactly?  Usually you create mayhem at charity events.  Is this what you hope your daughters learn from you?  Yowsers.

Cute freckled little sis Jillian, already a singer-songwriter at age eleven, is planning her debut performance at the soiree.  Mommy Dearest is intent that Jillian sing in front of hundreds of guests (most are being paid to show up, I assume) despite the fact that the child breaks down in a rehearsal and says she doesn’t want to do it.

Later, Jacqueline and her husband, Silent Bob, go to visit the Giudice pile o’ bricks.  Much discussion about Teresa’s possible anniversary gift ensues.  No one mentions a gift for Shirtless Joe.  “I want him to surprise me.  I want him to really, like, make it big,” Teresa says.  Shirtless Joe slurs, “She wants this friggin’ diamond…(unintelligible muttering)… I don’t know.  We’ll see.” 

Teresa doesn’t need “a crown jewel”, though, because she’s “not an Arabic.”  Unfortunately, buying a nice chunk of cubic zirconium might be more feasible because Shirtless admits that money “is just trickling” in right now.  How sad for them.

Inspiringly, Crown Prince Albie has decided to join the Police Academy “while my law school career is on hold.”  He goes on to explain, “You learn how to, you know, arrest someone and what happens after they’re arrested.”  We are so lucky to have this Albie around answering all of life’s tough questions. 

I always wondered what police trainees were taught in police school.  He thinks this will really help him when he becomes a lawyer because, “I’ll know what a cop’s thinking.”

As usual, Caroline is just barely keeping herself from giggling girlishly and swooning at her son’s feet. She’s all hot and bothered about the prospect of her son dressed up like a real Man of the Law, complete with a night stick with which to knock her around a bit.  “He’s cute as it is.  Can you imagine him in a uniform?  Good God!”  She’s blushing and sweating and it’s so profoundly odd I don’t even really know what else to say.

Back at their Spumoni Palace, Teresa and Shirtless Joe are preparing for their big night out.  Teresa can’t wait to get her hands on her big chunk of man meat.  “Gimme a kiss!” she shrieks.  “You got too much lipstick on,” Shirtless demurs.  They drink champagne whilst taking a helicopter tour of Manhattan. 

Later they head to a hotel where Shirtless recites a special poem he has written just for this occasion:  “Roses are red, violets are blue, roses are beautiful and so are you.”  Teresa is blown away but not so much the serving man off to the side.  He is making the same extremely judgmental and amused face that we the audience are making. 

Teresa’s much dreamed-about gift turns out to be a chocolate-frosting covered yellow diamond ring…that goes right into the hands of the auctioneers!  “Love is in the eyes of the beholder,” Teresa wisely reminds us before they mount each other in bed.

Christine’s Sweet 16 blowout is fast approaching and therefore the threesome go dress shopping.  An interesting exchange happens during this trip between lil’ Jillian and the woman who owns the store:
- Store woman:  “God!  You have to do boots!”
- Jillian:  “Mom, I’m eleven.  I don’t wear heels.”
- Store woman:  “Here’s a flash:  Suri Cruise.  That little girl.  What is she, three years old?  She wears heels.”
- Jillian:  “I know but I’m not her.  I’m me.”

Ah, sweet naiveté.  How long will Jillian speak with such reason?  We all know this logical language will soon disappear and be replaced by phrases such as, “I’m ‘bouts to beat a bitch’s ass!”  Mommy will make sure of it.

Elsewhere, Jacqueline is driving Ashley to pick up her court summons.  Ashley’s done a lot of thinking about the whole weave-pulling incident.  By “a lot” I mean ten seconds in between choosing a floppy hat to wear and finding a matching pair of boots.  “On one side I do regret pulling Danielle’s hair but on the other side, you know, it felt really good to finally get all that anger, like, off my chest,” Ashley explains.  Where exactly is her rage coming from?  I really think this girl has issues more serious than even her parents are aware of.  Therapy time!

Clearly the Sweet 16 has begun because there is a red carpet and photographers on the “step and repeat”.  Who exactly is interested in taking photos of New Jersey teens?  For what purpose are these photos being taken?  Danielle prances about pushing out her boobs for pictures and screaming, “Heeeeyyyyy!” and “Heeeeeelllllooooo!” to startled guests. 

We come to learn that everything at this party has been donated.  Why, you ask?  Because Christine’s Sweet 16th is such a worthy cause. Duh!

Danielle’s creepy ex-husband shows up and Danielle hugs him several times, her Skeletor-like arms clinging to him for dear life.  He raises his eyebrows at his current wife and spends the rest of the night keeping at least a five-foot distance from Danielle as well as looking deeply irritated at everything she says.  Not that I can blame him! 

Meanwhile, Poor nervous Jillian waits in the wings with a stomachache.  Her debut is near!  I have to say, I had a lot of sympathy for Jillian when she finally took the stage.  Oh, to be eleven, living in New Jersey, on a reality show, the daughter of the town kook, and forced to sing your little homemade song at a charity Sweet 16 party. 

That’s a lot of hoo-ha for one young person to shoulder.  Then her sweet and tenuous voice comes out and she shakes her little hips with the beat.  Aww…it’s awfully cute.  We smile - yay, a genuinely sweet moment on a normally horrifyingly trashy reality show!  Finally! 

Then Danielle ruins it all by flapping her trap and proclaiming, “I am the best mom in the world.”  Replace the word “mom” with the word “narcissist” and I think you’d be right, Danielle!

The Men Tell All special is always bad, but The Bachelorette's penultimate episode was even more useless this time than in seasons past. What a waste.

How can a reunion special for this season not feature Justin "Rated R" Rego or Frank Neuschaefer, two of the most notorious villains in show history?!

Instead, it was pure filler. Seriously, there is no need for this. Edit it down, guys. This is coming from devoted followers of the show, too. Think about it.

Because we love you anyway, here's THG's +/- review ...

"Justin chose not to be here tonight." - Chris. Can't imagine why. Minus 7.

Plus 4 for this tidbit: Justin was busted via Facebook after girlfriend Jessica Spillas noticed Kimberly Kerekes posting something romantic on his "wall." LOL. Side note: Become a fan of THG on Facebook - we would never cheat on you!

Craig, on Rated R: "His goal was to make it to the final three and sabotage everything she wanted to do for his own public benefit. It's just one of the worst things you can do to a human being." Definitely a crime against humanity. Plus 3.

Ali Fedotowsky had little to say about Justin, other than "I'm proud of the way I handled it. I didn't want to shed one tear." Minus 2 ... give us more dirt!

Kasey hopped into the hot seat. He's still krazy, but mostly just annoying, and not the person we really kared to hear konfessions from. Minus 5.

Kirk seemed to be the fan favorite, and rightfully so. Plus 3.

Kirk, on the previous week's exit by Frank Neuschaefer: "It was frustrating because Frank knew how I felt about Ali ... I came here to meet Ali with no thoughts about anybody else." Indeed. Minus 5 for not showing your face, Frank!

Without giving away any Bachelorette spoilers, the finale teaser seems to suggest, or at least leave the door open for the possibility that Ali will not pick either Chris Lambton or Roberto Martinez, which would he hella weak. Minus 10.

Not as weak as Bachelor Pad, which looks like a menagerie of the worst people in previous Bachelor and Bachelorette seasons. Eh, we'll watch it. Wash.

TOTAL: -19. SEASON: +147.

Who should Ali Fedotowsky choose next week?

Wow. What will this world be like if these two nut jobs are actually getting along and enjoying a respectful, amicable relationship? We may find out, because the epic child custody war between Jon and Kate Gosselin is officially over.

The former spouses/stars of Jon and Kate Plus 8 have reached a settlement agreement. The terms are extremely confidential, but the new deal replaces their previous one, in which Jon was on the hook for child support he could not pay.

Jon filed documents in a Pennsylvania court asking for custody of their eight kids in April, looking to renegotiate those child support payments. He then dropped that lawsuit and sought a truce with Kate, which he apparently got.

JON & KATE PLUS ALIMONY: The good ol' days are long gone, but at least by squaring away their legal differences, the Gosselin family is moving forward positively.

Earlier this month, the often-contentious former couple officially agreed on a new arrangement that involves both custody and financial obligations.

The terms of the agreement have been sealed by the court.

"An official agreement between Jon and Kate was reached and they will be working together for the benefit of their children," a close source confirms.

Good for them. Bad for celebrity gossip lovers accustomed to wars of words, tearful implosions and baseless legal accusations, but good for them.

He's wanted her back since the beginning. He's following her to Texas "for the kids." But Jesse James has no chance of winning over Sandra Bullock.

A source close to the motorcycle mogul says that despite the fact that Jesse is moving, and that Bullock did not try to dissuade him, it's over. Done.

"The only reason Sandy gave the green light to Jesse's move to Austin is because she wants to maintain a relationship with his children," the source said.

Bullock, who celebrated her 45th birthday yesterday, "loves those children but she has absolutely no intention of getting back together with Jesse, ever."

"She wanted the divorce done quickly, so she could move on with her life."

NO, IT'S REALLY OVER: Sorry, Jesse James.

The move to Texas comes on the heels of Jesse's recently court victory against his other ex-wife, Janine Lindemulder, with whom he has a daughter, Sunny.

Bullock has been instrumental in raising Sunny since marrying James in 2005, and would like to continue being a part of the little girl's life ... but not his.

Jesse was caught cheating with Michelle "Bombshell" McGee back in March, at which point several other tattooed women revealed their affairs with him.

Sandra's primary focus now is on being a full-time mom to adopted son Louis, and having an active role in her step-children's lives - for all their sakes.

"Sandy is civil to Jesse for the sake of the children, that's it," the source said. "If there were no children, Sandy would have nothing to do with him, period."